This Adulting Gig is Exhausting.....

Parenting is hard ya'll!

Emotionally

Physically

Just hard.

Last week, I was done. I mean totally absolutely done. Madeline was not taking her medicine, so we had to change course and decide on another medication. Norah, my typical child, has discovered her whining voice - and lemme tell ya, I'd rather listen nails down a chalkboard while watching paint dry while being forced to eat generic ketchup with non Chick-fil-A fries.

I had zero desire to pray, much less open my Bible for anything. What was that going to change? Madeline was still not going to swallow a pill, and Norah's voice can't magically turn off the whine mode.

Jesus - you've got nothing for me. What good is it going to do to talk to you or read about something that happened what feels like eons ago? My circumstances are not on your priority list. Madeline's autism and ADHD will still be there tomorrow.

This was my heart and this was my attitude. Then for whatever reason (yeah, it was God) this verse came to my mind:

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.  Hebrews 4:15-16

Wow. Why would I not come to Jesus? Why would I hold anything back? The creator of the universe came to the earth as a man and was tempted and stayed sinless....... AND sympathizes with my weaknesses. The Bible says I can come to him with confidence. Jesus is so tangible to me and yet day after day I disregard him as some "higher power" who can't possibly care about me. Ya'll, there could be nothing further from the truth.

I don't come to Jesus to "fix" Madeline. I come to Jesus to get to know the One who created Madeline and ask for wisdom as to how to steward this precious gift. 

I don't come to Jesus like I would come to a genie to grant my wishes for a better life. I come to Jesus to ask for his grace to deal with the life he's called me to lead.

I don't read my Bible so Jesus will say "Great job, Chris, you've checked off your religious box today. I guess I can make things a little less stressful today." I read my Bible to learn more about who God is and how my relationship with Him defines my purpose here on this earth.

When life gets stressful I shouldn't run away from my Father, but run to my Father through prayer and reading the Bible..... with confidence. Every time I try to live out this thing called life on my own, I fail miserably.

So the long and short of it? I'll leave you with this:

Just a Little Hello from the Girls

Mama had a come apart.....

Have you ever known you were about to enter into a stressful situation? You prepare: I'm going to do it this way and have this attitude and if plan A doesn't work I'll try plan B. I did all of that when it came to giving Madeline her medicine this morning. You all saw my plan. I was creative and had it all orchestrated to play out like that Spoon Full of Medicine scene in Mary Poppins.

At first things started out pretty good. She spit it out and we were positive and kept trying. I smiled and was encouraging and felt pretty good we had this thing. About 30-45 minutes into trying, that Marry Poppins turned into a red-eyed, yelling lunatic - mama had a come apart! Think about being at the vending machine and the darn thing just won't take your $1 bill. So what do you do? You straighten the bill out, rub it against the machine to get all the creases out, say a prayer and try again, and again, and again...because you are NOT leaving there without that snickers bar!

This has to be done today! Do you hear me? TODAY! You will not watch tv, or play with your iPad or go to school until this pill is swallowed!!!! 

I stomped, I yelled, I fussed, I made sad faces, I threw up my hands, I cried - it was quite the tantrum. After the dust settled, I felt like a complete failure. I went into this with the best intentions and completely lost it. On the way to take her to school, I told her that I was so sorry for yelling and asked for her forgiveness. Luckily, she said "ok" and held my hand. 

For some reason, I had gotten it into my head that this pill had to be swallowed today or it would never ever happen and she would never ever be able to swallow pills for the rest of her life. When I look at it on paper, that is one of stupidest sentences I have ever written. 

1. She is 5.

2. She has never swallowed a pill before - this is all new.

3. The texture of the pill gets sticky once wet.

In the middle of the tantrum, none of those things mattered - MY needs were the only thing I cared about. When it was all over, I called my mama (she is a pretty amazing lady) and she said these words to me. When it comes to "this has to be done now", you can apply that to cleaning the house, or grocery shopping, or anything else - just not people. Instead of looking at her and saying You know what, Madeline, let's try again later.....I made it about what I wanted done in that moment. This is something I am going to marinate on for quite awhile, because I'm sure this can be applied to other areas of my life. People matter more than my agenda.

Tomorrow is another day and I'm so thankful His mercies will be new once again. 

Mama Got Creative

Madeline starts a new ADHD medication tomorrow and it only comes in the form of a capsule. I knew this would be no easy feat, so I came up with a plan. I wrote a letter from Leonardo to Madeline, complete with Ninja Turtle capsules and a sticker chart. I placed it in and envelope, put her name on it, and stuck it in the mailbox. When we got home from school, I let her get the mail; she was so excited!

 After several attempts and a few bribes, she swallowed 2 Ninja Turtle capsules and even got a phone call from Leonardo, himself, to congratulate her on being a SUPER GIRL! (Many props to our sweet friends for the call). Ya'll, it was like a tween oogling over her crush! She had no clue what to say to Leo, but her smile was as big and bright as the sun! Fingers crossed all goes well tomorrow.

I bet you'll never look at a Tic-Tac the same - because they are Ninja Turtle capsules. ;)

The Ninja Turtle capsules are Tic-Tacs 

Autism? What's that like?

One of the reasons I created this blog was to not only share how Christ is using autism and ADHD to change our family, but to also create awareness about autism. So, what does this autism thing look like? There is a popular phrase that is so true "If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism." Just like each person is different, each child with autism is different. So, I'm going to change the question. What does this autism thing look like for Madeline? Ah! Glad you asked!

Literally Speaking

I made the mistake one time of joking with Madeline that "There is a hole in your belly! Look!" She completely freaked out and stood crying and pointing to her belly button. Autism does not leave room for jokes - life is black and white with little room for those gray areas. The first week of school, her teacher asked her to "get your book bag" Madeline yelled at her teacher "it's a backpack, not a book bag!!!" You see, her preschool teacher said backpack, Dora says backpack, every cartoon on the Nick and Disney Jr says backpack. That afternoon, I took a picture of that thing she keeps her books in and carries to school. I showed it to her and explained that some objects have more than one name and that it was perfectly ok to call this object a book bag or a backpack. Concepts that come naturally to a typical child have to be explicitly taught to a child with autism. Some children may get in trouble for being sarcastic with their parents - we give her a big hug and may tear up a little.

Socially Speaking

Madeline LOVES people. Wherever we go, she wants to say "hello" to everyone she meets, and in return, everyone she meets should (in her mind) say "hello" to her. It's a good thing I'm an extrovert, because I am always meeting new people. Before early interventions through her preschool, Madeline would rush up to a fellow toddler and just stand there and look at him/her. She so badly wanted to say something, anything, but could not muster up the words or phrases. Now, she will actually start a conversation with "What is your name?" or "What are you doing today?" She's not quite sure what to say past that, but it's a work in progress.

Conversation does not come naturally to Madeline and has to be taught through visual cues, social stories, a tv show, or role playing. One of the introductions she has been taught is "What are you doing today?" This can be kind of awkward when she says that to an adult upon first meeting him/her, but her infectious smile usually wins everyone over. And this is where Madeline amazes me. In order to make her way in this social world, she has to try harder than most to figure out social cues and norms. She studies others and watches what they say and do, and uses that to help her make sense of her surroundings. This is not an easy process and usually involves trial and error and lots of awkward moments.

She has a mother, father, and little sister. She knows her dad is a boy and her mom is a girl. So, upon meeting people she would call all men "dad" and all women "mom". The mom part wasn't as awkward as the dad part, lemme tell ya! Whew! Today she is past that, but still struggles with the sibling situation. When she sees a boy and a girl together, she will call the girl her "sister" and the boy her "brother," because that is how, in her mind, she sees boys and girls.

Madeline is a whiz at talking about concrete subjects and objects. She could name all of her shapes, letters, letter sounds, 1-10 numbers, and objects around the room or in her environment all at an early age. She could not verbalize if she was a boy or a girl until she was almost 4. We could give her sentence starters like "You are a __________" and she would fill in "girl", but if you asked her "Are you a boy or a girl?" she would stare at you or mumble something you couldn't understand. From around the age of 2, she studied tv shows to help her figure out how to communicate with others. This worked well for her at times, and at other times we would have a lot of explaining to do. For example, Peppa Pig likes to tell her daddy that his "tummy is a bit big." I picked Madeline up at preschool and her teacher told me "Madeline told me my tummy is a bit big." Yeah. Good ole' Peppa. A lot of the phrases she uses come from books or television shows. She'll hear the phrase in the show, memorize it, then try and fit it into her everyday language. Pretty smart huh? Again, not always accurate, but that takes a lot of brain power!

Obsessively Speaking

Picture a record player. Remember those? I was born in the cassette tape era, but we owned a record player growing up. I remember that sometimes it would get stuck and you would have to go over and physically move the needle so that your favorite song would keep playing or to move on to the next song. This is pretty similar to how Madeline deals with some experiences, books, movies, and ideas. You saw me post a video about Halloween (at least I hope people got to view it). This is Madeline's favorite time of year. We had to explicitly teach her that Halloween is only in October, because she became so fixated that she thought we should trick-or-treat year round. Hey, I'm all about year-round candy, but not sure the neighbors would be too keen on the idea. A year ago, I introduced her to the book Room on the Broom and was even able to find the movie. She loved it so much, she wanted to watch it over and over again so she could memorize it - and she did. She has the whole script memorized and even makes her sister act it out with her. She knows everyone's speaking part and even makes sure if you play along, you are completely in character - inflection and all. So, after October is over, we try to hide the book, and explain that book is for October. When she's rummaging around in her bookshelf to find a nighttime story and she sees it, she'll say "That's for October."

This has just been a basic overview. I could write a lot more, but this post is pretty long. As I continue to write about our family, you will continue to learn more about autism as it pertains to our sweet, loving, and energetic Madeline Lee! I will also cover the topic of ADHD in a future post. If you ever have any questions, feel free to ask!

These 2 videos changed my life....

I will get to a writing post very soon, but I had to share two videos that have changed me in a profound way. In the first video, you will get to know a remarkable lady in our community. I have stood next to and talked to her numerous times, but have never gotten up the courage to tell her how her Ted Talk changed my life. Madeline is a dancer in her program and she absolutely loves it. It's one thing to admire to a program that does amazing things, but it's a whole other thing to experience the true love that comes from every.single.member of that team. We are so grateful for Debra and her love for those who have special needs. My new motto: Normal - it's a dryer setting. 

This next video was produced by Merrimack and includes Madeline's dance teacher from last year. This is a beautiful dance interpretation of Welcome to Holland - a poem that resonated with me as I first found out Madeline had autism. (Get the tissues)

A Madeline Story: Halloween