The Day I Dedicated My Daughter... To Myself...

** I have been working on this post for a few weeks. Today is a rough day, so I'm posting it as a reminder to myself. God is faithful when things are not so great. She is His and He loves her. **

It was Sunday. I had spent the morning making sure Madeline had a cute dress for her baby dedication. She looked so pretty and our friends and family were there to support us as we declared her to be God's. We stood on the church stage holding our precious daughter with the best of intentions. When the pastor asked us if we would raise her according to God's word, we said "we will". When the pastor asked us if we would raise her to love God and others, we said "we will". He prayed over us and we walked away with so much hope and anticipation.

Over the next couple years as I watched my daughter grow, I also watched my friends' children grow. They were talking, but I couldn't understand most of what Madeline said. They were saying the funniest phrases and making jokes; Madeline couldn't answer my questions. They sat still and played tea party; Madeline came along and knocked their plates to the ground.  They wore pretty big bows in their hair; Madeline ripped hers out after 2 seconds and threw it on the ground. We were up early. We were up late. I was constantly running. I was constantly chasing. The only sentences she strung together were those repeated from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. When I called her name, she never came. She played beside friends, but never with friends. My first experience with a mother's morning out was anything but pleasant. Going out in public usually had us running around restaurants and preventing her from climbing the walls. Then, one day (after weeks of Googling) I looked at my daughter's preschool teacher and asked the question: "Do you think Madeline has the 'A' word?" (I couldn't even bring myself to say the word) Her response "There are some red flags."  I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks. My prayers went something like this:

STOP. This is not the child I dedicated to you,  Lord. When I got up on that stage with my baby, I was dedicating a girl who was going to follow all of the rules. We would go places and everyone would comment on how well she behaved is and I would tell them thanks and think how awesome my husband and I are at parenting.  No. This cannot be right.  She's supposed to follow rules and want to wear dresses and play nicely with others. That's the girl I dedicated. I stood on that stage full of hope and promise and now you tell me she might have that "A" word.  This is not what we had planned for our daughter. 

This is not what we had planned for our daughter? 

I stood on that stage and in front of my church family and declared "She's Yours, God," and as soon as I stepped down, I raised her like she was mine.  Madeline is a gift given to us by God to steward, not to control and manipulate to be exactly how I want her to be. I spent so much time comparing her to "normal" children and focusing on what I thought were weaknesses, that I was not embracing the true joy that is Madeline. This is also true of my typical 3 year old. I am not here to determine her career, likes/dislikes, political affiliation, college path. The Lord chose me to be the mom of my two girls so I could raise them to be who He wants them to be for His purpose.

After a two-year process, we finally came back from Vanderbilt with an Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis, as well as an ADHD diagnosis. My daughter has autism. Not that "A" word - autism. I used to be scared of this word. I was scared to say it because then that meant I would have to face the reality that it's a part of my daughter's life. God is not surprised by autism. Before the world was formed, He knew my sweet Madeline would see the world through different eyes. And before I took my first breath, he chose me to be her mom. How foolish of me to have wasted any time making comparisons. God has given Madeline the most open and accepting heart. Her smile can light up the darkest places. She has this amazing memory and continually blows me away by what she knows. Some days are difficult and long, but instead of getting angry at the diagnosis, I am learning to ask God how ADHD and autism can show us more of who He is and how we are to fulfill our purpose while on this earth. And our purpose definitely looks a little different than your average family. There are some days I am adjusted and handle things well and there are days I am pretty sure no one will nominate me for "Mother of the Year." You see, this is where grace comes into play. The same God who gave Madeline to me, is the same God who loves me even when I have my meltdowns and disbelief and disobedient moments. It would take page after page to describe the many ways God has opened doors, and connected us with amazing friends, provided us with helping family, and put people in our lives who genuinely love Madeline.


So now my prayers sound a little more like this:

STOP. I just want to thank you for making me the mother of the most kind, thoughtful, accepting person I have ever met. I never thought autism and ADHD would be part of our journey, but you have given us so many resources and an amazing community of people to be there along the way. The days can be long and I may lose it and we may get weird looks and stares as we run down Target aisles, but through it all allow me to remember who You are and ask "How can we steward this precious gift that is Madeline Lee to better live out the gospel in our own lives and in the lives of those around us?"

AMEN.