This Adulting Gig is Exhausting.....

Parenting is hard ya'll!

Emotionally

Physically

Just hard.

Last week, I was done. I mean totally absolutely done. Madeline was not taking her medicine, so we had to change course and decide on another medication. Norah, my typical child, has discovered her whining voice - and lemme tell ya, I'd rather listen nails down a chalkboard while watching paint dry while being forced to eat generic ketchup with non Chick-fil-A fries.

I had zero desire to pray, much less open my Bible for anything. What was that going to change? Madeline was still not going to swallow a pill, and Norah's voice can't magically turn off the whine mode.

Jesus - you've got nothing for me. What good is it going to do to talk to you or read about something that happened what feels like eons ago? My circumstances are not on your priority list. Madeline's autism and ADHD will still be there tomorrow.

This was my heart and this was my attitude. Then for whatever reason (yeah, it was God) this verse came to my mind:

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.  Hebrews 4:15-16

Wow. Why would I not come to Jesus? Why would I hold anything back? The creator of the universe came to the earth as a man and was tempted and stayed sinless....... AND sympathizes with my weaknesses. The Bible says I can come to him with confidence. Jesus is so tangible to me and yet day after day I disregard him as some "higher power" who can't possibly care about me. Y’all, there could be nothing further from the truth.

I don't come to Jesus to "fix" Madeline. I come to Jesus to get to know the One who created Madeline and ask for wisdom as to how to steward this precious gift. 

I don't come to Jesus like I would come to a genie to grant my wishes for a better life. I come to Jesus to ask for his grace to deal with the life he's called me to lead.

I don't read my Bible so Jesus will say "Great job, Chris, you've checked off your religious box today. I guess I can make things a little less stressful today." I read my Bible to learn more about who God is and how my relationship with Him defines my purpose here on this earth.

When life gets stressful I shouldn't run away from my Father, but run to my Father through prayer and reading the Bible..... with confidence. Every time I try to live out this thing called life on my own, I fail miserably.

So the long and short of it? I'll leave you with this:

Behavior Modification: because there is no such thing as "easy"

Intro:
Imagine you are sitting on a quiet beach with a nice drink in your hand. The sun is beating down on your face as you listen to the waves crash upon the shore. Life is good here. Life is comfortable. You look around and are so thankful for all that you see and know God is in complete control. You even marvel at his beautiful creation and maybe even utter words and phrases like "God Your handiwork is amazing! I am in awe of your beauty." And as you stand at the water's edge with your eyes closed and your face toward the sun, out of nowhere a huge wave comes and knocks you completely off of your feet and you somehow find yourself in the middle of the ocean clinging to whatever can help you stay afloat. Yep. Welcome to the past month of parenting at our house. Just transform the nice beach to a calm house, and the wave to a sweet child who turned into someone we didn't recognize.

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For the past month, Madeline has been showing us some new, and difficult behaviors. To say that it has been stressful at the Conrad household, would be an understatement. One of the most frustrating aspects of having autism, is not being able to communicate your thoughts to others. Imagine you have something you are thinking or feeling and you can't express that to those closest to you in a way they can understand. When this happens, Madeline becomes upset, and becoming upset turns to anger, and anger turns to aggressive behavior. This devastates us, because Madeline is typically a joyful person - the life of the party. It has been a very emotional time at our house as we try to figure out how to best help Madeline communicate and to help her learn how not to communicate. In the past few weeks, I have printed social stories, taken her to the pediatrician numerous times, talked to behavior therapists, Skype chatted with a behavior therapist, and we just met with a pediatric psychiatrist. You may look at that sentence and think "wow, that's kind of extreme." We are big believers in using every single resource available to us to help Madeline and are so thankful for the abundance of help we have received. So, what were the conclusions? Behavior Modification. Madeline may have been having some side effects to her ADHD medication. While those side effects may have lasted a few days, children with autism can get stuck in a pattern of behavior. It was now our job to help break her of this bad habit she had developed. This process was not for the faint of heart, but Mike and I worked together as a team and behavior modified like we had never behavior modified before. We were consistent; we were diligent; we were exhausted! But you wanna know something great about autism? While Madeline can get stuck in negative behavior patterns, she will also get stuck in positive behavior patterns as well. After 3 days of staying the course, she finally came around. Do we still have traces of that behavior? Yes. But we just stay consistent.

Madeline's behavior isn't the only behavior that needed changing. During this process, I had to completely change the way I'm used to parenting. It wasn't easy, but it is definitely for the best. I am grateful for what I’m learning through being Madeline’s mom.